On Goal Completion and the Satisfaction that Should Come with it.
After 20+ years, I woke up to realize I was on the wrong path. Is it people pleasing or ADHD that drove me?
Mindset
On Goal Completion and the Satisfaction that Should Come with it.
Warning: This is going to be a long read.
I graduated high school in the late 90s. If you ask teachers and friends (or even strangers) at the time — Diliny will be an author.
Six month earlier, I sent out applications to Waterloo, Toronto, and McMaster to enroll in their engineering programs. I got in to every one. Five years would pass. I graduated with honors in Chemical Engineering from the University of Waterloo Co-op program. I breezed through those years content to ride the curve. Never the best at anything.
I wondered: should I switch to Computer Science? I stayed the course picking up mad development skills during Y2K.
By the early 2000s, I was an Associate Scientist printing 300+ pages of my novel, THE TAKING, on the printers at Aventis Pasteur, Toronto. I submitted the first draft(!) to Tor, Daw, and Baen. Three rejections, no explanation. I had no clue what I was doing. Knew about literary agents but didn’t know how to get one.
My father remembers fondly seeing my crazy escapade. “She wrote so many words!”
Surrounded by scientists and engineers, the information age had yet to begin. Writing was and would be my hobby.
Shelving my Passion
Looking back, there’s no one to blame. The universe was a different place. I’m the product of 1st generation immigrants who moved to Canada in 1967 from Sri Lanka.
They struggled to make ends meet. They secured government jobs but compared themselves to friends on professional paths. The doctors, engineers, lawyers had bigger houses, nicer cars. They could pay for their kid’s education.
I was of the first wave of immigrants from Sri Lanka. I grew up a minority living within a diverse community. My parents naively wished for me to marry within my own culture. My best friends were Canadian born of European, Jewish, Persian, Somali, Chinese, Korean, or Indian descent. I don’t think anyone’s family had been in Canada for more than 2 generations though some of the Chinese may have been for several.
As a grunge fan who braided her hair and painted her nails black. I would break from tradition.
I was a good kid. I got good grades. I wanted to become an architect. I was told there would be no jobs. How could I dream of becoming a writer?
The best authors advise: don’t quit your day job.
My family were proud of every piece of poetry or short story that was published in the local newspaper or at school. Colin de Silva and Michael Ondaatje’s successes were inspirational to a Canadian Sri Lankan who loved to write. I was also well aware of how the books I read were all written by non-minorities.
Fantasy novels set in the medieval era with predominantly white protagonists and antagonists. This was an era where we celebrated any inkling of diversity on the big screen. All signs pointed to a steep uphill battle. In the genius of my mind, I was discouraged. The importance of maths and sciences was drilled into me. Writing is a hobby, it will wait.
I took one course on Children’s Literature while at Waterloo. The course torched my passion. Stories were destroyed as they were dissected. As a budding author, I suspected the course was bullshit. Hell no, I’m not doing this for an MFA.
I was an Editor and Writer for the Iron Warrior, the engineering newspaper at Waterloo. My professors supervising my masters work complimented my writing. Meanwhile, I struggled with research. I broke down in tears one day as my supervisor told me how the calibre of students these days was far less than it had been in his day.
Please note, both supervisors were retired. He had spent 1-yr on his masters and followed it up with a 3-yr PhD in breakthrough research that carried him through to the early 2000s. By the time I came on scene, I discovered academic life is rife with politics. This is the era of post doctoral work taking a decade with no guarantee of success. Hamsters on wheels. Don’t even get me started on Women in Engineering.
Looking back, I know now, I was going through the motions. In truth, my heart and mind weren’t in it. This wasn’t my passion. This wasn’t what drove me. I was going through the motions in the hope that I could land that ‘job’ that would leave me feeling satisfied.
Trying to Find Myself in the Emerald Isle
There’s nothing soulless about being a scientist. It’s soulless if it’s not your passion. In 2004, I was offered a position in South San Francisco as an Associate Scientist. I negotiated the pay to start at $80K, because I thought they’d refuse.
I didn’t take the job. I burned my opportunity with the headhunter who was on my side. What was I thinking? Something felt wrong. I flew back from San Francisco with a migraine. I didn’t want to move to the US. Somehow, California felt like I was flying to the moon. I didn’t want this.
It wasn’t a fear of leaving home, friends, and everything I held dear. In that same year I travelled to Ireland. I toured a wide swathe of the country.
“I could see myself living here,” I said to my friend Denise.
Back home, I mentioned my dream to an Irish colleague. He pulled strings and sent me information on a program offered by the University of Ireland-Galway. I applied and like magic was accepted as a Research Assistant for one year.
I tried to write while in Ireland. None of my stories stuck. Instead, I meditated, learned storytelling, sang in a choir, and travelled. I was immersed in the experience of life. I met my husband.
The research proved boring. Ambitious me wanted to work with stem cells. Boom! I landed a post graduate PhD role at REMEDI, the regenerative institute at the university. I would spend a total of five years in Ireland before moving to Boston with my husband.
I quit my PhD. Not for lack of success in research. I fell out of love with the process, the system, the churning, the hustle.
Life also was at play. I experienced a miscarriage. I note this as my one big failure in life. The miscarriage that is. My entire world view shook.
Diliny M. De Alwis
I began to question what my drivers were and WHAT was I looking for out of life.
What even is important in life?
At this point in my life, I had lost all sense of what I needed for myself. I was happily married. I wanted children. I wanted to feel like I was supported and fit in. I wanted connection.
2008 was a terrible year. The financial crisis impacted many while benefitting some. I marvelled at my husband’s career. I wondered where I would end up.
I worked a couple of years as a Technician/Lab Manager for the Howard Hughes Institute/Harvard Medical School. I had full healthcare coverage and the opportunity to send my unborn children to school for free. I just had to stick it out twenty years. I couldn’t. It was too boring. The lab benefitted. I optimized their processes and inventory. I moonlighted as a web developer making Drupal websites.
This brought me to the path of the Product Manager. I worked for a startup for five years. I connected closely with my colleagues. I had two children.
Writing, what was that?
I wrote SOPs, personas, and engineering tickets. I loved the job. I loved my colleagues. I felt like everything in my life had finally come together and fit to make a marvelous whole.
I was Let Go from My Dream Job
The year was 2017. I was riding high having moved back to Toronto, working for a US based company, loving the product, the people. Then I joined a call that my boss had set up. I had thought it was to discuss a project that I had been given free run to work alone.
Instead, he and our HR person were on the line.
“I’m so sorry Diliny.”
Wait, what?
Rewind two years. Our company’s investment had changed management. Suddenly, my CEO had to answer questions of why their Senior Product Manager was located in Toronto and not Boston.
Richard Van Noorden
Perhaps my time was also up. We had hired a cracking good Director of Customer Service who had shaken up our senior management team. She had balls and wasn’t afraid to use them. Meanwhile, I was part of the early vanguard of cuddly reliable loyal employees burning the candle at both ends to bring the product to our market.
My CTO would later give me rave reviews as I pursued my future endeavours. But nothing would feel as good. No job would combine my Science & Research background and Drupal savvy in quite the same way.
I was lost.
In Search of Me
I became a feral housewife.
I took a two years off from work. For one, I was 3 months pregnant with my third when I was let go. I didn’t feel like I could pull off working for a company for 6 months only to go on a lengthy Canadian maternity leave.
I was also burned out. I didn’t realize it but I had been jumping through hoops while having babies and my nerves were frazzled. Six months earlier I had been experiencing panic attacks. I took time to focus on my health and well-being.
I started writing on Medium. I was blocked when I tried to write creatively. The world was just too real. I was too wound up.
My beautiful baby girl came into this world and my mindset started to shift.
From my network, a CEO-friend found out I was on the job hunt and reached out to hire me to his Hungary-based team. He offered me the same salary I had leaving the last job.
I took the job and spent the next three years trying to connect with my team. I was having trouble with feeling satisfied with life. I signed up for a coaching program supporting the PM path to leadership.
My goal was now to become a Director of Product Management.
I would end up quitting the Hungarian job. My next role was with a small Montreal-based company. I landed a Director role!
On Goal Completion and the Satisfaction that Should Come with it.
The job was satisfying, on many levels I rocked it. At the same time, it was a poor fit. Then how was it satisfying?
What was my WHY? Where were my drivers? I had recently been diagnosed as a woman in her 40s with ADHD. I had only just come to terms with my people-pleasing ways and perfectionism.
Truthfully, I was NOT leaning into my passion.
- Yes, I can manage people.
- Yes, I can play politics and communicate.
- Yes, I can hold the helm in a storm.
- No, I will not operate outside my integrity.
- No, I will not stand by seeing unfairness or questionable practices.
- No, I do not want to burnout my team.
There is nothing this company did that is any different from what companies everywhere do. Management styles vary but the results are the same.
Overworked, burnt out employees are gaslit by upper management who want to see results. Resources are stretched thin and people having to make do.
An employee drops balls while overworked OR underperforming. Matrix management contributes to these balls going unseen until shit hits the fan. A chain reaction of inexplicable events end up crashing down on budgets and strategy. Reporting systems are broken. Trust erodes.
I’ve seen this from every level in every company I’ve ever worked for. Nothing new. No need to point fingers and blame. This is the product of a capitalist economy. Everyone at every level is trying to do their best.
Diliny M. De Alwis
Suffice to say, I was unsatisfied.
2023 was a terrible year to be unemployed and in the IT sector. I was suddenly competing with the highly driven people let go from Amazon, Google, MicroSoft, and everywhere in between.
By 2024, folk who had excelled at the director level are taking lesser roles just to hold a job. Technology is moving fast. I don’t think we’ve become redundant. The shape of the industry is changing.
I looked at my options and chose to return to Feral Housewife mode—and aspiring Author.
Fall Back Plan | How Did I Get Here?
There’s more to this. In 2021, during the pandemic, my husband — who knows me better than I’d like to admit, surprised me by signing me up for a Living Hyphen Writer workshop.
Living Hyphen Endorses PACBI
I had been writing for Medium at the tale end of the days of higher earnings. My article on baked bread went viral earning me several hundred dollars. Those few dollars were more satisfying to me than the thousands I was earning as a pay check.
He could see the excitement in my eyes as I told him how my articles were being accepted to online publications for wider distribution.
Diliny M. De Alwis
I bought a toy from a FaceBook Marketplace seller only for her to gush and be excited to meet ‘an influencer’ (her words, not mine). I was surprised and appreciated her feedback.
Part of the reason my CEO-friend offered me a job was because of my articles on Medium. At the time I had published 50. During my tenure with them, I learned how to be an editor and to keep a content roadmap. I also learned a few valuable tricks for SEO.
While writing for them, I stopped writing for myself.
Lynne Levy’s Mastermind course helped with my self re-discovery. Answering a series of 30 questions in as many days brought me back to one underlying truth:
Writing is my passion.
Shit. Did I just waste 25 years of my life?
Absolutely not.
Did I need to prove it through this exercise?
Absolutely. My integrity, values, and sense of satisfaction were all a mess due to my perfectionism and people-pleasing habits. I put all of me into every role I have had — to the point of exhaustion. I had to figure out what brought me, Diliny, satisfaction. What type of role will leave me uplifted and energized?
Diliny M. De Alwis
Early Days as an Author
In March of 2023 I published THE TAKING, still not revised enough, but as a means of putting myself in the thicket of self-published authors. 6% of my social media following bought the book.
While I am grateful, I feel bad for my dear friends and followers who bought my first book — this is not my best work. I would not know that until March of 2024 after writing my 2nd novel.
My 9 year old son came across the children’s picture book manuscript for WHICH FEELING. When he found out the story revolved around an experience with him, he started illustrating the work. This work I self-published on KDP.
Follow
I experimented with both works to get a feel for platform, marketing, GTM, and future endeavours.
Since 2023, as the job interviews dried up and prospective employers ghosted my applications, I signed up for a series of workshops with Firefly Creative Writing, based in Toronto. I supplemented my income by working part-time as an enrolment coach for Lynne Levy. By the time that job ended, I was too in the thick of it to stop.
I began my full-time writing journey.
I joined all the writers groups in my region that I could attend. I brought my work for critique. I began giving critiques.
In the early days, I would spend hours watching Korean dramas on Netflix — that is, until I cancelled Netflix.
I started planning and writing a series of novels.
I had spent a lifetime collecting my research for the novel. A collection of archeologic and anthropologic papers sat on my bookshelf, since 2012 never opened. Books of folklore and mythology speckle my shelves. I was too distracted with motherhood and my career.
My academic research, product management, and chemical engineering experience all came to good use.
Feedback is a bitch. I was too Tolkien in my early attempts. No one wants to read Tolkien. I’m an information nerd. How the hell do I show and not tell? I dabbled in memoir. I began writing the backstory to the story I wanted to write.
By March 2024, I had finished writing my second novel. By June it would go through at least 5 major feedback driven revisions. With this novel, I am learning the process necessary to improve my craft.
While I know I can self-publish this and work on my GTM strategy and have some money in the bank. As a gift to the younger twenty-something me, I am pursuing traditional publishing. I have queried literary agents and received more than thirty rejections. I’ll keep going until I hit 100.
I’m not paid to do it, but I write.
About Satisfaction
When you do what you love you get into a flow state. Time loses meaning. The satisfaction of a job well done is enough. It feels like breathing or drinking water.
Yes, it comes with its own stressors. A barrage of rejection notices and the constant waiting for feedback is terrible. That said, my ADHD is delighted that it can be hyper-focused when it wants to be.
Cutting out distractions like Netflix helps with self-affirmation that I can do this.
I have a roadmap. I have goals. I track my word counts. I have spreadsheets tracking submissions to literary magazines (I learned the hard way that Medium publications alone don’t cut it).
Most of all, I have an energy about me that seems to draw people into my sphere. I have people asking me ‘how did you get here?’ as they step onto a similar path of self-reflection and discovery.
Who you embody when you put your growth first. Your energy changes. It’s how you show up.
It takes a lot of hard work. It takes a lot of not knowing. It takes a leap of faith.
I’m still in the trenches. Will I succeed? Will I see my books on the shelves at the local Indigo?
I hope so.
If you got this far, thanks for reading. Let me know in the comments whether this article was helpful.
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