Clearer plot points, obstacles, and characters’ attempts to overcome

Query Trenches

Clearer plot points, obstacles, and characters’ attempts to overcome

I want to praise 2 literary agents. Neither represents me. That’s ok. What I appreciate is that they gave me feedback.

Allegra Martschenko and Kiana Nguyen — Thank you. 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽 I must also thank the YouTube videos and Gateway to Narnia c/o Malcolm Pryce.

Free feedback is a gift. When received properly, it becomes an impetus for creativity. In the last two weeks, I have revamped my first 5 pages and early chapters tightening up the story and filling plot holes I didn’t realize existed.

I withdrew almost all of my queries and resubmitted them — then I received this new feedback.

“I encourage you to re-work your query so that the plot points, obstacles, and character(s) attempts to overcome them are more clear.”

That burns and bites but ok, I’ll take it. I re-read my original query letter synopsis.

According to myth, Nara Sinha was given the divine task of killing the Asura-King Hiranyakshipu. His story begins at the end. He should have read the fine print.

Sinha would rather be a cat. Instead, he is an inexperienced demi-god lion-man discovering a less-than-welcoming mortal world. He has also enraged an ambitious water buffalo demi-god who had been promised the coveted title of ‘Lord of the Animals’.

Sinha’s story begins with his struggle to find his place between the worlds of man and animal. Karma comes to his rescue. Sinha grows his found family. The farmer who sneaked Sinha into the Asura-King’s palace has been reborn as a lion. The young boy whose life Sinha saves is reborn as a priest. A woman he adopts shows him the meaning of resilience.

His past catches up with him when the water buffalo (now a demon) appears-spoiling for a fight. The demon’s attacks are directed at Sinha’s found family. Sinha must rise to the challenge or see those he loves destroyed.

Why is it written like this?

• Book Ends videos, The SHIT no one tells you about writing, and other writer podcasts all say to keep it short and to the point.
• Written like the back of a book cover focusing on the main plot of the book.
• My 1st bad is I’ve got about ten precious darlings in there, see bolded text.
• My 2nd bad is trying to show my writing style in the synopsis. A weak imitation of Gaiman or Pratchett? This is the equivalent of all those high trills singers show off that are unnecessary. Face-palm.

How do I workshop re-writing this?

I began by re-reading the definition of plot in a few articles. I’m not an English major by any stretch. Plot includes exposition, rising action, climax, falling action, and conclusion.

I’m a pantser; I can’t do this. Do you want to get published? YES, I CAN AND WILL DO THIS.

• I found a blog about the ‘mid-point reversal’ where the character believing idea A suddenly changes to idea B. I have this in my novel.
• I write out, by hand, all relevant plot points for my main character regardless of word count and order of appearance.
• I compile this.
• I revise this.

Results

A long, overwhelming ADHD-born kaleidoscope of too much information. What can I say? I can write tens of thousands of words into a story, but I can’t for the life of me dissect the soul of it. I lie. I dissect the soul but don’t know where to stop. That’s where my friend Kushan comes in. Brave man for stepping in and cutting out the excess for me.

This part of the text is too dense. — Kushan

To do:

• Read it on my phone, on my computer, via docs, via medium.
• Read it to my partner. Make edits.
• Sleep a night and revise and then incorporate.
• Share with my safe writing group or friends for feedback.
• Acknowledge it’s all subjective.
• Sleep another night.
• Does it match my pitch? (I feel like I got that part right at least)

Credit to my friend Kushan for some good feedback. The new version is below. I’ve gone from 169 words to 220 words.

The mortal and immortal realms are in danger of being overrun by the demonic forces of Asura King Hiran-yakshipu. The Gods create Nara Sinha, a hybrid man-lion, to face this threat and help Prince Prahlada, the King’s son, to succeed.

Sinha’s true form is that of a fierce warrior, but he spends his early days as a cat travelling with human companions so that he can enter the Asura King’s domain undetected.

Maha Isha Sura has spent a century rising through the ranks of the Asura King’s forces. Once a minor Asura, he has risen to the rank of chief minister to the King. He suspects treachery from Sinha’s companions, who hail from the Water Buffalo tribe that abandoned him.

When Sinha defeats the Asura King. Maha Isha Sura loses all of his hard-won status and any chance of reuniting with his herd. Transforming into a demon, he vows his revenge on Sinha and his companions, in this life or the next.

Sinha struggles to find a connection in a world where he is the only one. Retired to the mortal realm, he is reunited with the reincarnations of his old companions. Plagued by the machinations of demons and ghosts, Sinha and his companions are drawn like pawns down a path of misdirection culminating in the Water Buffalo’s ultimate revenge.

The final word on the plot

Compare it to my pitch:

(Imagine) You complete your divine mandate only to have a demon come after you because you foiled its ambitions.

Post Script

I regret sending out eighteen ‘new-and-improved’ queries today, forget about the nine I resubmitted five days ago. But how could I have known?

Telling someone they’ve got paint on their face is the best way to get them to wipe it off.

Did I miss my chance with my dream literary agent? It is such a subjective process. I have to believe my agent is out there. Perhaps you’ve clicked on my blog in the hope of getting to know me.

Do I withdraw my query and resubmit again? I simply don’t know. It’s a subjective process. One agent may prefer the shorter (admittedly incredibly vague) version, and another the longer one. My chances are not lost. There are more agents to query after all.

With every step taken forward in this game, I am one small step closer to mastery.

-D.M. De Alwis