Anecdotal Evidence

Constraint Gives us Agency.

Unless you’re a parent, and even if you are–you may not know this secret to good parenting. How do these principles apply to ourselves and our phone usage?

D.M. De Alwis

25 May 2025 — 4 min read

Photo by Robert Collins / Unsplash

Constraint Gives Children Agency.

Most of us had to shake off the shackles of our childhood to be well-functioning adults. The parents of yesterday may have been harsh disciplinarians. Society is tough with harsh consequences. Many boomers struggled to make ends meet. Whatever their reason, there’s consensus that the environment grew children into adults with grit, resilience, and agency.

Yeah, Generation X, I’m talking about you.

Parents were never around. We were left to our own devices. We had few toys, few options for entertainment, and restrictions on bedtime and mealtime. — Gen X.

In my observation with my kids, they prefer fewer choices. If I give a kid two toys, they will have the agency to pick the one they want to play with. If I give my kid 20 toys, they will ask me for permission or which one they should play with. More often, they don’t play with them at all and instead ask for a device or TV–avoiding the problem altogether.

Their sense of agency comes from not being overwhelmed by choice.

At the same time, limiting your kids’ choices and giving them agency are tried and tested means of getting them to try strange foods. My technique of ‘try two bites, and I’ll go away’ seldom fails to get a recalcitrant child to finish a bowl of chilli or pasta that looks or smells ‘weird.’ Of course, I give them what they want once they have taken their two bites. The next day, they show more agency to try it again sometimes finishing the food without a fuss.

Because they want to have agency, they just don’t know how to use it. This is where discipline comes in. With the example above, my kids are trained to try two bites. That small win has opened more doors to curious food experiences than expensive foreign travel or restaurants.

Developing Good Habits Through Constraint

Writing the novel, I have two options:

Draft new chapters
Revise existing chapters

I start at 9 A.M.

I write a blog post.

Am I successful? Yes. What I did, I did with intention. I sat at my computer and wrote for one or two hours. I have work to show for my time.

By constraining yourself to a schedule, to being on your computer or being out for a walk, or spending time with your kids, or spending time with your dogs–you constrain the number of options for leading yourself astray. Even if not quite hitting the mark, your effort will land.

The Smart Phone Dilemma

Adding a camera to a phone was a bad idea... as bad as adding music. Perhaps it seemed like a good idea at the time when introduced.

Opening your phone to check a message leads you into a cesspit of distraction. I automatically open Instagram, Threads, BlueSky before turning my attention to YouTube and my newspaper apps. Then ping-pong back again to the beginning because an hour has past and I am seeking 'productivity' under the ruse of distraction. I'm looking for that dopamine hit of landing a punchline, or liking an interesting article. Perhaps I'm looking for a new podcast to listen to—or I justify by thinking I will be aware of the news.

I've convinced myself it was all in the name of 'product marketing' and growing the number of my social media follows. It's all for future book sales.

Nonsense. None of these people want or care about buying books.

They care about vitriol!

I am distracted. I need to constrain myself.

I turn on the "focus mode" for my phone and carefully configure the timer. Only to time and again delete those restrictions whenever I actually need to post on social media.